Muppets in Havoc in TV Land
by Me
Summary: Muppet Show in Hazzard County, computer invites many at once; tried to get most ever crossed over, didn't get close, so moved here from crossovers


HAZZARD HOSTS MUPPETS IN HAVOC IN TV LAND  
  
The Muppets were creations of Jim Henson, and are now owned by a real German firm, which  
might be owned by the Hogan's character in a Hogan's universe. All characters from other shows  
are property of the creators of those shows; you know who you are. I might even have an  
original character or two who are mine, somewhere, and if you can find them, you'll know who  
they are.  
  
I haven't actually watched every show on here, but the majority I have. Others I got from  
websites devoted to the shows in question. And, sorry if your favorite show isn't in there, I got  
some I liked from the late 80s and 90s (TBAA, HI, FH) but most aren't that great, in my  
opinion, and I had to make the show in the 1980s to get the people from Hogan's Heroes and the  
Honeymooners to be realistically alive. I got 50 in, counting cameos, counting the Muppet Show.   
Can anyone top that in any crossover realm? I'll include a list at the very end of the fic, but no  
fair peeking! See if you can find em all first.  
  
Scene is of the General Lee, speeding along a country road.  
  
(Y'all, Hazzard County's got some special guests. And it's all about the Duke Boys' racing  
success. The Muppet Show computer scheduled them as special guests, and Kermit and the crew  
are all here. Unfortunately, there were mixups.)  
  
Kermit the frog stood in front of a red curtain. "It's the Muppet Show," the green frog  
proclaimed, a muppet with red hair named Scooter going "psst" to try and get his attention.   
"With special guest stars Bo and Luke Duke."  
  
Just before going "yaaaay" and flailing like crazy, Kermit is interrupted as Scooter goes  
"pssssst, hey chief" louder and motions Kermit over.  
  
Kermit was puzzled, for Scooter held a look of great concern. "Hey, why the long face?"  
  
"Well, it's not that long...my face is really more an oval. Anyway, chief, there's been a mixup.   
Sam Malone, the ex-pitcher, he's here, too, as a guest."  
  
Not wanting the audience to get bored, Kermit quickly told Scooter "that's fine, we can work  
with that," then hurried back to hi spot in front of them and declared "and, ex-Boston pitcher Sam  
Malone!" However, he then heard another "psssst' from Scooter. "What," he whispered  
insistently as he walked over to Scooter.  
  
"Well, Sam's not the only other one," Scooter explained. "There's the Fonz, and British  
magician Peter Newkirk, and..."  
  
"Scooter," Kermit instructed in a normal tone of voice, "just tell me how many guests we  
have, and we can work it in, I'm sure."  
  
"Well...ahem..." Scooter looked down for a moment. "Dozens. *And* they all brought  
people with them."  
  
Kermit looked blankly at Scooter for a second, then remembered he was a show business frog.   
The show much go on, no matter how complicated. He went "hoo boy" and walked back to the  
studio audience. "It's the Muppet Show, with more special guest stars than you can ever  
imagine! Yaaaaaaaay!"  
  
(Y'all, what happened was a mixup in their new computer had caused the special guests they  
had for several months to all be scheduled at once. So the benefit Muppet Show planned to help  
the local orphanage turned out to be Muppets In Havoc. Meanwhile, in another part of  
Hazzard, a Jaguar was coming through.)  
  
Picture of a jaguar roaming the plains of Africa.  
  
(Jaguar car, that is.)  
  
Two men in a Jaguar pulled alongside the road. "This where he said to meet us?"  
  
"Nein," came the German voice, "this is a deserted road, dumbkopf!"  
  
"I mean, is this the right town?"  
  
"Vell since you put it that vay," remarked the driver, "ja. Ze trailer full of treasures stolen  
during Vorld Var II should be all ready. And ve'll have a little surprise for Kermit for eluding our  
friend before."  
  
(Uh-oh. Seems like nobody can escape trouble when they come to Hazzard. Anyway, Kermit  
decided to start the show and see what would happen.)  
  
Several people with naval uniforms came walking in, with numerous other people behind them.   
"So you see, Captain," spoke one man, the Princess being damaged in that storm won't cause  
any problems; I'm sure this will be a great show."  
  
"I'm not too crazy about trekking so many miles inland, Gopher," admitted Captain Stubing,  
"but I'll just have to take your word for it, I guess."  
  
One of their passengers, George Jefferson, turned to his wife. "Okay, maybe it's not the  
typical Carribbean cruise, Weezy, but I'll talk to the Muppets later about putting on a show for  
the Health Center where you volunteer." She agreed that was a good idea.  
  
"I just wish Alice would have gotten things right for once," grumbled Ed Norton as he sat, we  
were supposed to be booked for Hawaii, but could she get the flight numbers straight? Noooo!"  
  
A detective wearing a Detroit Tigers' baseball cap came walking up to Captain Stubing. "This  
may sound strange, but I'm on the trail of some international thieves - the name's Magnum. Do  
you know where the local sheriff ight be?"  
  
(Y'all, he's really in trouble if he's countin' on Hazzard law enforcement. Anyway, as I tried  
to say brefore, the show got under way.)  
  
Music playing, the Muppets' band played and more Muppets sang: "It's time to play the  
music, it's time to light the lights."  
  
Outside the studio, Rosco was chasing the General Lee, with the Dukes in it; he slowed  
slightly, causing deputies Cletus and Enos to rear end him. "Oooo, ijit, that done scuffed my  
vehicle!"  
  
"Not that we could have made that jump with the Duke boys, anyway," noted Cletus to  
himself.  
  
Muppets sang again: "It's time to meet the Muppets on the Muppet Show tonight!"  
  
Dr. Cliff Huxtable ran out of the dressing room, a room with a star on it atop a stairwell.   
"Hey, there's 35 of us crowding into the dressing room! We're packed in there like sardines."   
Several sardine muppets came walking out of the star's dressing room.  
  
Muppets sang once more, as Fozzie Bear took the stage. "It's time to put on makeup, it's  
time to dress up right. It's time to get things started..."  
  
The audience then sang "why don't you get things started."  
  
Fozzie now faced the audience, and joked "until I came here, I thought a garbage truck was  
the only thing that had four wheels and flies." He heard an engine behind him. "Whaaaaa, I  
thought that jump wasn't coming till the end of the opening." Suddenly, the Fonz - looking well  
shy of his nearly 50 years old - came jumping through the curtains on a motorcycle, making a  
perfect landing - right in the luxury box of two old geezer muppets, Statler and Waldorf.  
  
"Hey," hollered Statler.  
  
"No, not hey," exclaimed Waldorf as the Fonz looked out of the booth and held up both  
thumbs as Waldorf did: "Aaaayyyyyyy!"  
  
As the Muppets sang some more, Gonzo, a purple creature who looked like a buzzard, went  
onstage with a horn. "..on the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational, this is  
what we call the Muppet shoooooow."  
  
As Gonzo blew his horn, the General Lee's horn sounded instead of Gozno's horn, and the  
General, an orange Ford with the number "01" on it, went flying over Gonzo's head, and lands  
just as it is heading out the back door of the theater.  
  
The brown bear with the hat and necktie walked up to Gonzo. "I thought they did that when I  
did my line."  
  
"No, that was someone else." Suddenly, they looked up and saw the Fonz sitting in the  
balcony with Statler and Waldorf, several other people glancing at them from offstage, and  
Newkirk doing magic tricks in the audience, pulling handkerchiefs out of the ears of numerous  
lions.  
  
Kermit, the head of the show, motioned his cohorts offstage, and ordered half a dozen pigs to  
go onstage and entertain. As Fozzie and Gonzo joined Kermit backstage, they soon understood  
the problem. Miss Piggy ran down the flight of stairs which led to her dressing room - which was  
normally right next to the stars' - and said "oh, Kermieeee." Trying to sound as pleasant as  
possible, while being very annoyed, she asked "why are there so many people here that I have to  
give up MY dressing room, hmmm?"  
  
"Well, Piggy," Kermit began to explain, "something went wrong with the computer,  
and...well...we sort of sent out invitations to a bunch of guests at once."  
  
Cliff Huxtable had overheard the conversation. He walked up to Kermit and hummed. "So  
what you're saying is, we have to find a way to squeeze in several days worth of material into one  
show."  
  
"Well, basically, yes."  
  
"And, how will that affect my children's number in the second act?"  
  
Gonzo felt very confused. "Children. I thought you were the great Bill Cosby, the famous  
comedian. You'll be able to handle this real easy."  
  
Huxtable shook his head. "I'm afraid not. As my invitation says..." He pulled something out,  
but it wasn't his invitation. It was a ham and cheese sandwich on white bread. "Sorry, that's my  
lunch." He sat it down on Kermit's desk and pulled out the real invitation. It had a big bite taken  
out of it. "I got kind of hungry earlier, but as this says, I am the famous Doctor Heathcliff  
Huxtable, and I was here to deliver several Muppet babies."  
  
Scooter walked into the large, crowded room. "But, my wife's not due for another month."  
  
"I'm not delivering your wife, I'm here to deliver her baby. If you married someone who isn't  
born yet that's your problem." Huxtable turned to Kermit. "But that just shows that my children  
need something to do, I've got four girls in Piggy's room preparing for a cute little number..."  
  
"Four girls?"  
  
"Yes, Kermit, that's why we needed Miss Piggy's dressing room. One female dressing room,  
one male." Several horses carrying pouches which said "U.S. Mail" came walking out of the  
star's dressing room. "That's M-A-L-E."  
  
"Oh, sorry," spoke one of the mail-horses.  
  
"Wait a minute, you can talk..." Huxtable began to exclaim, before muttering "oh yeah, that's  
right, you're a muppet."  
  
"Naaaaay," spoke Mr. Ed. "Actually, I just needed something to do when Wilbur, my owner,  
passed away, so I joined the US Maaaaail service."  
  
Suddenly, a man in a very wrinkled raincoat walked onto the scene. "Say, I'm looking for..."   
He put his hand on his head, trying to figure out the situation, and pulled a notepad out of his  
pocket, hoping that would jog hi memory. "My wife, that's Mrs. Columbo, she's always giving  
me these little notes of what to bring home from the store, even more so now that she's gonna  
have a baby girl." He turned to Cosby and remarked "totally out of the blue. We never planned  
to have kids, but now she and I both love the idea, even though I'm gone on murder cases, you  
know..."  
  
"M-m-murder," stammered Kermit. "There's been a murder here?"  
  
"Oh, no, at least I hope not." Suddenly, a blue pig yelled aaaah" and fell from the ceiling with  
a knife in his back. "But see, whenever I'm on vacation..." Another muppet walked by and began  
choking, dropping dead within seconds. "...I feel the need to track these things down. Why, I  
remember once when we were in Mexico City, the wife and I almost never saw each other." A  
purple bear walked several feet behind them, and suddenly got a bomb thrown at him, blowing up  
immediately. "I hope there won't be anything like that while I'm here."  
  
Kermit's nephew, Robin, came riding in on Sam Malone's shoulders. The ex-pitcher was  
wearing a Red Sox uniform. "All ready to introduce us and sing Talkin' Baseball' with us?"  
  
"Uh...hold on a second, Robin." Kermit decided now was a good time to get on the PA and  
announce "any and all guest stars or friends of guest stars, or relatives of guest stars, or relatives  
of friends of guest stars, or friends of relatives of guest stars, please report backstage." He  
explained. "There's been some real confusion, and I'm going to have to figure out a way to get  
you all involved somehow."  
  
Columbo walked over to a seat and sat down, murmuring "well, that's fine, I'll just sit here  
and watch. I was planning to meet some friends from New York..." He looked up and said  
"Barney Miller, what are you doing here?"  
  
"We heard you were here," Captain Miller explained, "and we thought we'd join you before  
the big detectives' meeting in Atlanta; we just got into town ourselves, and were looking for some  
fun."  
  
(They sure are about to find it here. Now, if y'all thought this was just a lot of people comin'  
and goin', well, that's what happens in a lot of TV shows, but that's neither here nor there.   
Things were about to heat up quite a bit.)  
  
In a secret hideaway, the German speaker, Max von Dreck, murmured "you got the others  
framed, ja?"  
  
"Yeah," agreed the man in the purple suit with orange stripes and light blue polka dots. "Now  
I go back and dress so loudly it distracts everyone, and..."  
  
"Vait," suggested the German, "before you do zis, take care of some other frogs. Ve should  
get Kermit as distracted as possible."  
  
(Hmmm, what do y'all supposed that meant? Anyway, soon everyone was backstage, but that  
didn't make organizing things any easier.)  
  
Scooter and Rowlf, a piano-playing dog, had gotten names, and lined all the guest stars up in a  
row in the back, with others seated either on the floor or in chairs in front. Kermit read down the  
list of names. "Okay, Bo and Luke Duke, Arthur Fonzarelli, Sam Malone, Lt. Columbo, Barney  
Miller, Andy Griffith, Ben Matlock, newsman Ted Baxter, Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable, Peter  
Newkirk, let see..." He flipped a couple pages. "Hoo boy, we've got a lot to cover. I won't  
even try to name you all. Oh, we have our contest winners, who got to come backstage."   
Numerous children nodded vigorously. "Let's see, Scooter, what's on stage right now?"  
  
"Right now?" He glanced at a clipboard. "We just finished a number from Swine Lake."  
  
Numerous pigs dressed in tutus, all wet, walked by, shivering. One turned to Kermit. "The  
ice was too thin for us to dance on."  
  
Apologetically, Kermit said "oh, sorry." He called for Veterinarian's Hospital to be set up  
over the PA. "In the meantime, I want copies of Talkin' Baseball' given to all the kids and  
friends. You children are getting a special treat today," Kermit explained as Rowlf and Miss  
Piggy left. "You get to perform, I'll make sure you each get to say something, though it might be  
together. While I try to figure out something for a closing number."  
  
Meanwhile, a crab walked onto the set, with the Skipper from Gilligan's Island. Each had a  
picture frame around their necks. "Help," shouted Skipper, "we've been framed."  
  
"For what," Ben Matlock wanted to know.  
  
Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane came walking onstage with a wheelchair-bound man rolling  
alongside him. The sheriff explained. "This here Chief Ironsides was here for the convention in  
Atlanta, and he saw the whole thing. Goody, goody, I love police work. All right, you two, I'm  
gonna cuff ya an' stuff ya."  
  
Ironsides explained. "The Skipper had motive to kill the muppet who was poisoned, that's the  
same individual who posted the wrong weather forecast the day he left on a three-hour tour that  
left him stranded on an island for 15 years!"  
  
"Yeah," explained Rosco, "and he hunted boar so much on that island, that might explain the  
pig with the knife in his back, too. And this crab was talkin' with him, an' had his claw prints all  
over the poison." He turned to the man and crab and said "shame, shame, everybody knows your  
name." He struggled trying to put the cuffs on the crab, who kept snapping his claws at him.   
"Ow, ijit, hey...ow! You want me to add assaulting an officer of the law to your charges?" He  
finally got them on.  
  
"Oh, no," complained Skipper, "even when Gilligan's just driving me around and getting lost  
he causes more trouble!"  
  
In the audience, Jessica Fletcher turned to a middle aged woman named Laverne. "Can I  
borrow a pen and paper, this may give me some ideas for a mystery I'm writing."  
  
Della Street walked onto the backstage from the audience and said "I'm going to call my  
friend Perry Mason, he used to be my employer. He's a judge now, but might still have some  
ideas." She left to use a pay phone.  
  
Penny, a nine-year-old blonde haired girl, pulled a laptop computer out from behind her.   
"While noone's looking I'll try to get some of that residue from the bomb; I wonder if it can be  
traced to MAD. I also hope my uncle doesn't come to help and wind up messing things up," she  
said of Inspector Gadget.  
  
(Okay, so Rosco just arrested a crab, we still haven't got all the folks mentioned who were in  
Hazzard, the bad guys was up to somethin', and there was sure signs of craziness on the stage.)  
  
An announcer's voice sounded. "And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of a  
quack, who's gone to the dogs."  
  
"Thanks for letting us assist here," spoke Dixie McCall, a live nurse standing alongside Miss  
Piggy and another muppet, named Janice. "I wonder what our friends from Squad 51 brought us  
this time."  
  
"It's gotta be better than what we'd get in Korea," spoke a white-haired nurse, her friend  
Margaret Hoolihan.  
  
Onstage, Rowlf was walking into the operating room, when he slipped on a banana peel.   
"Aaaaah!"  
  
"Though the doctors are just as crazy," added Hoolihan as Rowlf got up.  
  
"Oh, Dr. Bob, that's so old," complained Nurse Janice.  
  
Holding up the peel the dog explained. "No it's not, I ate that banana in here just yesterday."  
  
"Never mind that," remarked Miss Piggy. "This is our next patient."  
  
"His name is this'?"  
  
"No, Dr. Bob," spoke Dixie, "it's Winston Salem."  
  
"But I'm not licensed to practice in North Carolina."  
  
Piggy explained. "That's why the patient came here."  
  
"That's why who came here," asked Dr. Bob. "Wait, I thought this' was the patient's name."  
  
Starting to get aggravated, Hoolihan announced "no, Dr. Bob, you are operating on Winston  
Salem!"  
  
"The whole city?" wondered the doctor.  
  
Dixie replied "no, Doctor Bob, *this* is Winston Salem."  
  
"It is?" He looks the patient over carefully. "Can't be, he's too skinny."  
  
"What makes you say that, Doctor Bob," Janice wondered.  
  
"My triple-A travel guide says it's miles around."  
  
Piggy suggested "oh, just check his chart, the city was probably named after him."  
  
"Good thinking." Dixie read it and stated "this says he's 32."  
  
"That can't be," exclaimed Rowlf, "I just remembered I had an uncle from there, and he's 53!"  
  
"Maybe that's dog years, Doctor Bob," Janice suggested.  
  
Piggy thought for a second, now getting into the act. "Hmmm, that sounds right. Wait a  
minute, if that's true, that your uncle came from Winston Salem..." A hush fell across the room.  
  
"By golly, you're right, I know what's wrong with this patient!" Dr. Bob shouted  
triumphantly. "This man is pregnant with a litter of puppies!"  
  
As the curtain fell, Waldorf said to Statler "if my doctor told me I was pregnant with puppies,  
I'd be so mad I'd be having kittens!"  
  
Meanwhile, Kermit had handed out lines to most of the non-guests backstage. "Okay," he said  
to Joey Stivik, "your line comes right after and me I always loved Willie Mays.'"  
  
"Got it. Boy, I hope my grandpa Bunker's watching." The singers began to file onto the  
stage.  
  
"Okay," Kermit remarked to Scooter as they watched the curtains going up, "things are  
actually kind of peaceful. And I think this gives me an idea for the finale."  
  
"Yeah, I knew you'd figure something out to keep things under control, chief." He also  
jogged onstage.  
  
(Y'all might just wanna take that back, Scooter.)  
  
"Okay," Kermit called into the PA, "cue Michelle Tanner to lead off."  
  
"Hey, chief," hollered Gonzo, running up to him, "I think Dr. Honeydew's been doing  
something funny; you know that girl you've got leading off?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"There's two of her!"  
  
With numerous muppets and kids playing baseball in the background, the two Michelle  
Tanners sing "well, the Whiz Kids had won it."  
  
"Bobby Thomson had done it," followed Arnold Drummond.  
  
Ted Baxter, next up, sang "and Yah-gi read the comics all the while."  
  
Offstage, Lou Grant moaned "it's Yo-gi, catcher Yogi Berra. Eight years later and he still  
can't pronounce anyone's name."  
  
Les Nessman, a newsman sitting beside him in the makeshift press box, concurred. "I know,  
next thing you know he'll be calling hogs pigs. They're two very different terms." Lou got up  
and walked out as Les continued to ramble on about hogs.  
  
Columbo and Joe Friday walked up to Kermit offstage, Columbo announcing "I think I know  
who the murderer is, but the police don't have him yet. Keep the show going as long as you can  
till I can figure a way to trap him into confessing."  
  
"Sure. But right now, I've got to figure out what happened to our resident scientist's  
experiment."  
  
"What happened," Friday wondered.  
  
"He does a lot of unusual experiments," Kermit explained.  
  
"Just the facts, frog."  
  
Kermit hummed. "Well, we had a contest where kids could come backstage. One contest  
winner, Michelle Tanner, went onstage, and suddenly there's two of her."  
  
"No there isn't." He pointed to the eyes as the girls, along with others, kept singing and  
throwing a ball around. "See, one pair of blue eyes, one green. What was the color of the contest  
winner's?"  
  
Kermit thought a moment. "Well...now that you mention it, it kept changing back and forth."  
  
Friday nodded. "Probably twins who wanted to win together. Shouldn't be a problem." He  
handed him his card. "The name's Friday, if you have any problems by Monday call me Tuesday,  
that's my Saturday number but I'll get it by Thursday. Or you could try to reach me at Joe  
Friday's residence there on Wednesday, and Mrs. Friday'll call you Monday, or I'll call you  
Thursday, but never on Sunday." He left as the group continued singing onstage.  
  
"Especially Willie," sang the conclave, "Mickey and the Duke." Statler and Waldorf sang "Say  
hey, say hey, say hey!"  
  
Punky Brewster leaped to turn a double play while singing "well Casey was winnin'."  
  
"Hank Aaron was beginnin'," continued Webster, sliding into the same base.  
  
Several girls, with their house mother, Mrs. Garrett, stood in the dugout shouting "one Robby  
goin' out, one comin' in!"  
  
As they did so, a balding man in a red and black uniform materialized backstage, together with  
a black man with a similar uniform. He walked up to Kermit and Fozzie while the other man  
walked toward the stage. "I'm Captain Jean-Luc Picard, and this is Captain Benjamin Sisko, we  
wondered if you might tell us where we might find some children, a temporal disturbance  
occurred which caused them to receive some contest entries and we discovered they won."  
  
"Whaaaa," remarked Fozzie.  
  
"They're out there," Kermit remarked, asking Sisko where he was going.  
  
"I just love watching anything to do with baseball," he explained. "Although I think Bob  
Gibson should be named in this song, myself."  
  
"Gibson is his favorite player," Picard explained.  
  
"I see." Kermit thought a minute. "Is it normal for you to say you're time traveling, I mean,  
won't it interfere with the timeline?"  
  
"Trust us," Sisko declared candidly, "this is messed up enough, we couldn't do any worse."  
  
"We'll make sure the ones who traveled get back to their rightful homes," Picard explained.  
  
Meanwhile, as Sisko noticed the kid singing "Now my old friend, the bachelor, well, he swore  
he was that Oklahoma kid" looked a lot like Johnathan Taylor-Thomas, the actor, he asked  
Arnold if he could please sing his line.  
  
"Sure," Arnold agreed, "I already had the Bobby Thomson line," Arnold agreed.  
  
As soon as Kermit's nephew sang "and Cookie played hookie, to go and see the Duke," Sisko  
sang "and me I always loved Willie Mays."  
  
"Those were the days," sang Joey Stivik.  
  
"This is getting crazy," remarked Miss Piggy, as she stood in her spacesuit. "I'm ready for  
Pigs in Space."  
  
"Looks like we'll have a special guest, too," spoke a white-haired pig as another walked up to  
them.  
  
(Meanwhile, everyone in Hazzard wanted to see the show. Which left someone else in charge  
of the jail. And folks learned there was men as incompetent as Hazzard's deputies.)  
  
"All right, you two," spoke the rather aged temporary deputy, "the name's Barney Fife, and  
I'm supposed to guard y'all. Now there's gonna be two rules here," he remarked, holding up  
three fingers, and getting the men inside more confused every minute.  
  
(While the real bad guys were roaming free, back on the show)  
  
Everyone sang while the team paraded around the field: "They'll be with Willie, Mickey and  
the Duke! Willie, Mickey and the Duke!"  
  
"Say hey, say hey, say hey," sang Waldorf.  
  
Statler turned to him. "Okay, hey; there, ya happy?"  
  
Waldorf turned to Statler. "You know, maybe that's the problem with these guys. They're  
trying to be funny, when their best talent is baseball."  
  
"Maybe," agreed Statler, "but they don't have any spiders to catch flies in the outfield." Both  
laughed.  
  
"Okay," Kermit remarked, "that was good, really good. Cue Pigs in Space." As the  
performers went out to do their number, a large green letter "Q" dropped from the ceiling, barely  
missing all the pigs.  
  
Miss Piggy glanced back and harumphed. "I'm just glad he didn't tell us to break a leg."  
  
As the curtain rose yet again, the announcer proclaimed "and now, it's time for Pigs in  
Spaaaaaaace! When last we left our heroes were transporting an important ambassador to the  
Beta Epsilon star system."  
  
"I hope everything's all right so far, Mr. Ziffle." The pig Captain Link Hogthrob was speaking  
to merely squealed. "Just our luck, the universal translators don't work. First mate Piggy, do you  
know what he said?"  
  
"Sorry, captain, I don't know any languages besides English." She looked at the Doctor,  
Julius Strangpork. "Dr. Strangepork, can you interpret?"  
  
"Not now, I've got to check the range." He walked over to an oven. "Two minutes till my  
lasagna's ready."  
  
Captain Hogthrob hummed. "Lasagna; now that's using the old noodle."  
  
"Captain, I'm picking up a signal; it's another ship."  
  
"Hail them."  
  
Piggy and Strangepork sang "hail to the Redskins, hail victory!"  
  
"I mean on the computer. Oh, there's a signal." A picture of a robot came onto the main  
viewscreen.  
  
"Warning, warning, danger, Will Robinson!" spoke the robot.  
  
Miss Piggy proclaimed "whoever this Will Robinson is, he must be one bad dude."  
  
"No," shouted the robot, "danger TO Will Robinson."  
  
Hogthrob gasped. "Oh no, there's two of him!"  
  
"Maybe that's the problem," noted Dr. Strangepork, "maybe one is an imposter."  
  
"Well...wait," Hogthrob announced, "I think there's another ship. See if you can pick it up,  
Miss Piggy." Miss Piggy hefted a big model of the starship Voyager high above her shoulders,  
grunting mightily. She continued to do so for several moments.  
  
Arnold oinked mightily, and Julius explained. "Sir, I think he said they wish to beam aboard."   
Suddenly, a four foot plank appeared on the Swinetrek. "Sorry, Captain, they must have meant  
beam a board.'"  
  
"Piggy, put that ship down now!" She dropped the Voyager on Captain Hogthrob's foot.   
"Ah! Ohh, ooh,ooh," he hollered as he grabbed the foot and hopped on his one good foot.  
  
Arnold oinked more as he glanced inside the model. "Look," remarked Julius, "there's people  
in there." He held a magnifying glass up to investigate.  
  
"Captain," spoke the emotionless Vulcan, Lt. Tuvok, somehow with a straight face, on board  
Voyager. "If you will look at the viewscreen, there appear to be two moon-sized pigs peering  
into the window at us."  
  
"And I thought our other anomalies were bad, this takes the cake." As Captain Janeway said  
this, Miss Piggy dropped a piece of cake she was eating onto the Voyager model. "Forget I said  
anything."  
  
Back on the Swinetrek, Dr. Strangepork was applying ice to Hogthrob's foot while Miss  
Piggy spoke to the captain of the other ship. "We appear to have something from another  
universe," noted Miss Piggy. "Not that that isn't the first time that's happened tonight."  
  
"Fascinating," spoke Mr. Spock behind Captain Kirk. Dr. McCoy stood at his left.  
  
"If I am to understand you correctly," spoke Kirk with a dramatic pause, "you're all pigs!"  
  
"Flattery'll get you nowhere, bub. Besides, what's it to you, Mr. bad acting," chided Miss  
Piggy, a little insulted at the tone which implied a pig - let alone a female one - couldn't do a  
man's job.  
  
Strangepork quickly interceded. "You'll have to excuse our First Mate, she's been frustrated  
ever since we got this ambassador." He pointed at Arnold Ziffle. "Our universal translators  
aren't working."  
  
"In a pig's eye," muttered McCoy.  
  
Piggy glared at the screen. "Of course the translator's not in his eye. You should know that,  
you're a doctor, not a dumbkopf."  
  
"Very well, we'll beam that other ship out of your way and go back to our universe,"  
responded Captain Kirk.  
  
After the ship was beamed off, First Mate Piggy was heard to say "and good riddance; who  
eve heard of a universe where pigs weren't out exploring the stars."  
  
The curtain fell as the announcer said "stay tuned next week for another exciting episode of  
Pigs in Spaaaaace."  
  
"Hey," proclaimed Statler, "they didn't close with a funny gag."  
  
"And that's unusual," asked Waldorf. Statler agreed he had a point.  
  
"Hey," Piggy wondered adamantly as she hurried offstage, "what's with the early curtain, we  
had a couple minutes more of material."  
  
Strangepork nodded. "Some of it might have even been funny." Suddenly, each noticed that  
Kermit had vanished, as had a number of other muppets.  
  
"Guys," explained Gozno, "we have a big problem. Kermit's brother's trailer he brought here  
has been ransacked, the couple and Robin are missing, and Kermit and a few others went out to  
find them."  
  
Miss Piggy looked extremely worried. "Oh, poor Kermie, I must go help him, Scooter can  
handle things quite well...no, he's not here. Hmmm, Rowlf isn't here..." She glanced at Fozzie.   
"Surely you're not in charge after that disaster with Nancy Walker."  
  
"You mean Fancy Talker, don't you," asked Fozzie.  
  
Gonzo held up a five-foot long chain. "Actually, Miss Piggy, according to the chain of  
command right now you're in charge."  
  
"Moi? In charge of all this?" She made a wide sweeping gesture with her hand, then thought  
a minute. "Forget Kermit, it's time to show what a pig can do if she just puts her mind to it.   
Right, Arnold?" Arnold oinked back at her. "So, what do we put on next?" He squealed again.   
"Yeah, I know we've gotta stretch it out real long."  
  
(Y'all, with Miss Piggy running it, this show could get interesting - after all, Bacon was a famous  
English writer.)  
  
Piggy hollered "I'll teach you to make fun of a star. Hiiii-yaaaa" she shouted as she gave the  
narrator a fat lip.  
  
(Ow, that hurt! Anyway, Punky Brewster had run away, and Robin had snuck out with her.)  
  
"Hi," spoke the small frog as he sat down by Hazzard Pond, a couple police cars sticking out  
of it as usual. As the girl was still looking frustrated, he spoke softly. "Hey, I'm here if you  
wanna talk?"  
  
"Why would I talk to a frog?"  
  
"Hey, I might be a handsome prince, for all you know," he assured her.  
  
"I'm not kissing a frog, it's yucky!"  
  
Monica, a pretty blonde woman with long, auburn hair and with a bright glow all around her,  
walked up behind Robin, unseen by Punky. "Nice try, Robin, but I bet she'll talk to a frog if he's  
had the same problems."  
  
Robin turned around. "Maybe...hey, you're an angel!"  
  
Monica was taken aback that Robin would recognize her. Had she forgotten to go into human  
form? Tess appeared behind her to explain. "Remember, Angel baby, animals never lost faith and  
turned away from God the way humans did. They trust God so instinctively, they can see when  
one of His angels is around."  
  
Monica nodded in understanding. "God wants you to help her, Robin," she emphasized. "He  
knows you can do it. Tess will appear if it becomes necessary; I'm just a Search and Rescue  
angel right now."  
  
A little more confident, Robin remarked "you know, I don't see as much of my parents as I  
used to. I spend a lot more time with my uncle on the show than with them, they're so busy. And  
it's sad, but he loves me, and I have lots of fun."  
  
"So? I don't have any relatives," the girl complained.  
  
"Yes you do. You have God, He made you and He loves you. He is your real Father, just as  
He is for all of us."  
  
Punky had wondered if there was any hope; she'd never heard of God or His love. This was  
really interesting to her. "I've been looking for someone who'll love me forever, who won't ever  
leave me. Can God do that?"  
  
"Of course, if you trust Him. People have a hard time knowing Him because they've lost faith  
in His love and won't ask His forgiveness for what they've done. Us frogs and all the other  
creatures know, though. And the moment you ask Christ's forgiveness, He'll bless you the same  
way." Robin turned to Tess. "Are you going to help her some now?"  
  
"I couldn't have said it any better."  
  
Robin nestled closer to her and began to sing. "All things bright and beautiful, all creatures  
great and small. All things wise and wonderful, the Lord God made them all...."  
  
(Well, while Robin was helpin' Punky get over her problems, there was more havoc going on  
back at the Muppet Show.)  
  
"Zis is ze place," spoke von Dreck to himself. "Good, ve are causing problems, folks are  
going around like chickens vith their heads cut off," explained the man as dozens of headless  
chickens ran to and fro, clucking all the while.  
  
Gonzo was the first to notice the men, or at least he thought he was. Lt. Columbo was  
sneaking up from behind, anxious to talk with them. "Oh," spoke Gonzo, "Miss Piggy's about to  
impersonate the Swedish chef. Say, have you seen any frogs around here?"  
  
"Have you seen any frogs around here," the German repeated as ordered.  
  
"No, that's who we're looking for, I asked if you'd seen any."  
  
"Nein," denied the man.  
  
"There's nine of em - that's more than we usually have!"  
  
"Where did you find nine frogs..." asked Columbo, scratching his head. "Wait, I had a  
question for you." He began fumbling in his coat pockets. "Actually, a couple."  
  
"Well, while he's looking, where did you see nine frogs?"  
  
"Ve did not see nine frogs, ve saw no frogs!"  
  
Columbo slapped his forehead. "That was it, frogs, that reminded me of my question. When  
that bomb was thrown at that bear..."  
  
"What do bears have to do with frogs?!" asked Gonzo.  
  
"Well, that's just it, they normally don't. But here..."  
  
While that occurred, the Swedish Chef's replacement, Miss Piggy, was in front of a kitchen  
counter with a chef's hat and white apron on, singing. "Here, here, here, skidoo skidoo. Here  
here here something something bork bork bork!" She threw a spoon behind her and hit a pan,  
causing it - and the whole wall - to come crashing down as she muttered "I never could  
understand anything that guy said."  
  
"Face it, Piggy," hollered Waldorf, "there's a lot of things on this show we can't understand."  
  
The waitress, Alice, peeked her head in the door. "Hey, there's somebody here with a fly in  
their soup."  
  
"So," Piggy wondered.  
  
"They ordered a mosquito." Piggy threw her a mosquito, and she left.  
  
Miss Piggy then remarked "today, you are in for a real treat - a true French chef. And I am  
going to make por vous, a lovely dessert known as..." She looked at the script, wrinkled her  
nose, and became grouchy sounding. "Jell-O instant pudding? Who wrote this dumb script?"  
  
A French cockroach muppet walked onstage. "Alas, fair damsel, it is I who has zeen fit to  
prepare zis succulent instant pudding as ze replacement for ze Swede."  
  
In the audience, Newkirk turned to a friend. "That's the idea Schultzie gave Jim Henson  
originally, y'know. A French chef who's a cockroach, after a good buddy o' mine."  
  
On stage, Piggy said "you wanna make instant pudding, go ahead, I'm gonna scour the recipe  
book for something better." She pulled out a cleaning pad and some soap, and began scouring  
the recipe book.  
  
"Well, they say a woman's place is in the kitchen," remarked Statler. A scouring pad went  
flying over his head. "Gee, you were right, that pig's got a real live arm."  
  
The cockroach remarked "now I, ze famous French chef, will make ze Instant Pudding."  
  
"Oh, no you won't," shouted Miss Piggy, grabbing the pan from the cockroach. "I'm the one  
who's gonna make the instant pudding!"  
  
"You give me zat," yelled the cockroach as he pulled Piggy's hat off and placed it on his head.   
"And remember, a cockroach can use more fists at once than a pig!"  
  
"Yeah, how would you like me to fix you a knuckle sandwich?"  
  
A tired, fat man in his middle 80s wheeled himself on stage, followed by a middle-aged man  
who looked like his son. "Was ist los," he asked.  
  
"Hey, Schultzie," shouted Newkirk from the audience. He ran up onto the stage to see the  
elderly man. "What are you doin' here!"  
  
Statler complained "they never had people running onto the stage in Hollywood. They've lost  
complete control."  
  
Waldorf answered "they never had control to lose it."  
  
Schultz explained "I came because my Schatzi Toy Company has been such a good friend of  
these people over the years, and I wanted to see this show you were in." He looked at the pig  
and cockroach. "Now, what are you two fighting about?"  
  
"This cockroach wants to make instant pudding," Piggy explained, as she pointed to a pan  
which suddenly contained instant pudding. She then held up a chain. "But this chain of command  
said I'm in charge, and I want to make it."  
  
"All right, let me see..." He looked at the pan of pudding. "Wait a minute...it is already  
made."  
  
Newkirk explained "of course, Schultzie, it's instant."  
  
"But, pudding cannot make itself. Mmm, I want to know nothing, noth-ing!" He slowly  
wheeled himself away.  
  
Piggy harumphed. "Imagine him listening to a cockroach chef."  
  
Heinrich Schultz explained. "You will have to excuse my father; you see, my one older  
brother was talking about cockroaches in a French restaurant one day before World War Two,  
and when Father told him it's not a nice thing to talk about in a restaurant, he said well, maybe  
the chef's name is Cockroach.' Another brother listening in spoke to my father's friend and asked  
for the whole city to hear are you Mr. Cockroach.' The nickname stuck for our friend, and so  
the French cockroach muppet idea was born."  
  
" E wanted to have a bear named Papa Bear in charge of this show," remarked Newkirk.  
  
Piggy nodded. "Yeah, yeah, whatever. Get back in your seats now, I've got a show to run."   
Everyone walked off the stage.  
  
(Meanwhile, Robin an' Punky was resting by Hazzard pond.)  
  
"Hmmm," spoke a man in a trenchcoat, "I need to get over the pond in a hurry. Go go gadget  
legs!" A mallet came out of his hat. "No, I said Gadget legs!" Huge springs came out of his  
legs, and he just about to step over the pond when another car came by, carrying a human driver  
and a crab, along with another occupant. It sailed partway over Hazzard Pond, bonked into the  
mallet and ending up half submerged 2/3 of the way through the pond. Gadget was knocked over  
to the other side, where he lay on the ground unconscious. "What in the world," shouted Robin.  
  
Bo and Luke Duke, with Jed Clampett in the backseat, quickly got out of the General Lee.   
Jed exclaimed of the driver "stop him, that's the man who tried to swindle me out of my oil a few  
years ago." Bo and Luke quickly lassoed the driver.  
  
Luke nodded. "Yep, thought that sounded like one of Boss' cronies. Sure looks like it."  
  
"Hey," shouted Bo, pointing at Robin and Punky, "ain't that one of the frogs that's missing?"  
  
"Yep," remarked Luke, as they let Jed hold the ropes and ran over to the frog and girl. "Hey,  
y'all okay?"  
  
Robin spoke up. "Yeah, I was just consoling Punky here cause she was feeling down."  
  
Punky asked "what kind of a day is it when you see a car almost fly over a whole pond?"  
  
Bo said "here in Hazzard? Tuesday."  
  
"Unless you talk to Sergeant Friday, then it might be Thursday," added Luke.  
  
Robin added "unless he gets back to you Monday. Is something wrong?"  
  
"Well, yeah," explained Bo, "come on, let's get you two back to the show, and these  
two...well, this guy and crab, back to jail. This guy tried to break em out."  
  
"What about him," Punky asked of the man in the pond.  
  
"Hold him for a little while till we get Deputy Fife, first," Bo requested of Jed. As he and  
Luke drove off, with Robin and Punky in back, he said "get the CB workin' and let people know  
they're okay. Man, this a weird day even for Hazzard."  
  
(You said it, Bo. Back at the show...)  
  
Fozzie ran up to Miss Piggy. "I just heard on the CB that Robin's safe, they found him out by  
Hazzard Pond. How do I get hold of Kermit and the others?"  
  
"I don't know." She turned to the PA. "Cue...no, wait, T' the Muppet Newsman."  
  
A large black man with a Mohawk fell from the ceiling while holding a rope and almost landed  
on the Muppet. "You weren't supposed to let go of the rope!"  
  
"Sorry, Mr. T.," spoke the Muppet from above.  
  
The newsman spoke on stage. "This is a Muppet News Flash!"  
  
Roscoe turned to his dog in their seats in the audience. "Hey, they're talkin' about you, Flash,  
buddy! Goody, goody, I love it."  
  
The newsman continued. "Good Morning, America, here's What's Happening. Dateline, a  
Little House on the Prairie. Today, at a news coference hosted by WKRP in Cincinnati, the  
mayor announced Tonight will be the start of Happy Days and Good Times for as long as She's  
the Sheriff. He also praised the county government, stating that ever since voters put Charles in  
Charge, it's as if the whole area's been Touched by an Angel. While The Commish going to the  
ER has led to a secession Emergency!, his underlings realize such conditions are The Facts of  
Life. Things are still Working well, and if they take things One Day at a Time, says the mayor,  
they should find a young lad or Lassie to take over this Wild Kingdom. Or, they might just  
Welcome Back Kotter to take over. Or, says one assistant, "My Three Sons could probably take  
over, and while there will be Growing Pains, keeping leadership All in the Family." That's all the  
news for now - untill next time, Cheers."  
  
Statler remarked to Waldorf "can you believe they let him tell all those puns? That's  
incredible!"  
  
"Don't you start on me now," exclaimed Waldorf.  
  
Another Muppet appeared onstage quickly after that. "Good evening, everyone, it's time for  
Muppet sports. Dateline, Brooklyn." Footage of a man with an Afro and sporting a Brooklyn  
Dodgers' baseball cap dribbling a basketball. "Freddie Washington, the basketball coach at  
Buchanan High, has just announced his plan to revitalize a team which has lost 123 straight games  
going back to 1982. Our intrepid reporter is live now with Mr. Washington."  
  
"Well," came the tall man, speaking to Ted Baxter, "first I wanna tell everyone out there in  
America hi there.'"  
  
"Tell us about this new sport."  
  
"Well," Washington explained, "it comes from a guy I knew named Chuck Cunningham from  
Milwaukee."  
  
Statler spoke to Waldorf. "So that's where he got to. Wondered why he disappeared off  
Happy Days. He works with pathetic basketball teams now."  
  
Washington went on. "See, Chuck's brother knew this guy named Arthur Fonzarelli who was  
real good with motorcycles. So we've introduced something which there ain't no rules against in  
our rule book. We're gonna play our games on motorcycles. Watch, you'll see my assistant  
coaches; Greg Brady will guard the Fonz, Coach J.J. Evans will try to run a pick play to block  
Raj' Thomas." The Fonz weaved through several other motorbikes while on his motorcycle, J.J.  
and Raj crashed into each other while J.J. was dribbling, Fonz caught a ball tossed from Freddie,  
and soared on his bike toward the backboard. He then proceeded to dunk the ball, crash through  
the backboard, and demolish ten rows of seats in the gymnasium. "As you can see, we've still got  
a couple kinks to work out."  
  
Statler wondered "did he get that play from Chuck Cunningham or the Hazzard County  
Sheriff's Department?"  
  
"They may have been kinks," shouted J.J., "but that dunk was dyn-o-mite!"  
  
Waldorf agreed. "Yeah, that did about as much damage as dynamite would."  
  
Kermit, meanwhile, was on the phone talking with Miss Piggy. "Good idea on that news  
report, now get Dr. Honeydew out there. Did Robin make it back yes?"  
  
Piggy looked backwards as Robin and several people entered. "Yes, Kermie, oh, I miss you,  
Kermie." She blew him a kiss.  
  
"Phew what a relief. I mean about Robin being safe. Not that I don't miss you, but..."   
Kermit sighed. "Hoo boy. Listen, if I'm not back in time, my idea for a closing number..." The  
line suddenly went dead.  
  
Rowlf pointed at von Dreck. "Hey, he just cut the phone lines."  
  
"Maybe we'd better follow him," Scooter suggested.  
  
"Good idea, let's go." Kermit and the others trailed von Dreck as he headed back to the show  
on foot.  
  
(Now why do you suppose he did a thing like that? Course, he might know them's the only  
phone lines in the county, what with everyone talkin' by CB most of the time. Not knowing what  
Kermit's idea for a final number was, Fozzie and Miss Piggy were wracking their brains while  
several more sketches appeared.)  
  
"Hello," spoke a bald muppet with glasses, "I'm Dr. Bunson Honeydew, and this is my  
assistant Beaker."  
  
"Mee mee mee," Beakr remarked casually.  
  
Honeydew grinned broadly as he explained "Muppet Labs have developed something sure to  
please every TV viewer. It's the morphing remote. Ever watched M*A*S*H, and wished you  
could replace that annoying Major Burns with another doctor, for instance? With this, you could  
morph him out, combine a doctor from Rampart General, let's say, and suddenly you have a new  
show with a new character. Right in your living room."  
  
"Great," remarked Waldorf, "if that works here we can morph this show into reruns of I Love  
Lucy."  
  
"Now, my assistant Beaker will demonstrate." Honeydew hooked a TV antenna up to Beaker,  
and pressed the remote. Suddenly, Beaker was transformed into Beaver Cleaver.  
  
The Beaver took the invention and started pressing buttons without paying attention to what  
he was doing. "Cool, this is some neat space-age device."  
  
"Hey," shouted Statler, "he's in black and white, and the rest of the show's in color!"  
  
"I wonder what it does?" A beaker was suddenly transformed into a Detroit Tigers' baseball  
cap. "Weird."  
  
Honeydew held up his hands. "No, don't point it at me!" He suddenly turned into little Ricky  
Ricardo. "What in the world?" Miss Piggy quickly ran out to get the remote from them before  
they did any further damage, and turn them back to normal.  
  
Statler moaned. "I was hoping someone would turn them all into a Charlie Chaplain film."  
  
Why would you want that," Waldorf inquired.  
  
"Then it would be silent, and I wouldn't have to hear them!"  
  
(Meanwhile, several people were hot on the trail of the missing frogs and such.)  
  
"Car 54, where are you," came a voice over the CB.  
  
"In this town," spoke one of the cops, Francis Muldoon, "that would probably mean the  
sheriff's crashed the other 53, but let's answer, anyway." They indicated they were close to an  
abandoned barn on Old Mill Road.  
  
"Uh...we were just wondering because you've got New York plates....and this is Georgia."  
  
Gunther Toody spoke to his partner. "I guess we missed a turn."  
  
"Nevre mind, we'll be right with you." The Mystery Machine pulled up beside them and  
several people got out. "Hey, we heard you were looking for some frogs," remarked Velma.  
  
"Something tells me they're muppets," remarked Fred.  
  
Magnum got out of the squad car, as well. "They are, everyone in this county's at the show,  
so they have to use folks who were here for the police convention in Atlanta to figure this out."  
  
"Actually," explained Toody, "we were trying to get to the Statue of Liberty. But I guess  
we're a little out of our way."  
  
"Well, this is one thing Scooby shouldn't be afraid of. He's practically a Muppet himself; or at  
least he can talk like one."  
  
"Right, Raggy," spoke Scooby.  
  
The group entered and found a couple frogs tied up, several ransom notes which hadn't been  
delivered, and recipes for frog legs, plus other items. "Hey, look," remarked Fred, "it sounds like  
these guys were trying to corner the market on frogs' legs."  
  
Daphne raised her eyebrows. "Remember those problems Kermit had with that one guy in  
The Muppet Movie,' whatever became of him?"  
  
"I don't know, but it's time to find out," Fred remarked, motioning everyone to get into their  
vehicles. "Meet you back at the show."  
  
(Now, things were finally starting to wind down with the Muppets, but there was still one  
thing to do.)  
  
Columbo says he's finally gonna get the murderer," announced Piggy to Fozzie and Gonzo,  
"so who's got a bright idea for a closing number?"  
  
"Does it have to include everyone," inquired Robin, who was sitting on Kermit's desk.  
  
"They don't all have to have a line, but it would help," she informed him.  
  
Fozzie held up a finger. "Then I've got the perfect solution."  
  
"Sure hope it's better than last time you ran the show," grumbled Miss Piggy.  
  
"Oh, don't worry, it will be. Just tell everyone we'll do the rhyming song." He left.  
  
"The rhyming song." remarked Gonzo, dumbfounded. He turned to Piggy and said "even I  
don't know what he has in mind."  
  
Piggy kept a stiff upper lip and brushed back her hair. "Well, it's better than nothing. And  
these orphans already have all the money raised they need. Go get onstage and I'll introduce  
things." Robin and Gonzo went onstage, and Miss Piggy jogged out to the front of the audience.   
"Everybody, we hope you've had fun tonight. We went a little long, I know."  
  
"A little long," Statler heckled them. "I've gone through two naps already.  
  
"Well, maybe you'd like to be back here conducting a murder investigation," retorted the pig.  
  
Waldorf chuckled. "Investigation for what - killing a good weekend?" The two laughed.  
  
Jessica and several others were chatting. "Do you think you'll use this," asked Laverne.  
  
"I don't know that people would believe it," admitted the lady as she turned to the captain.   
"But it has been a most enjoyable time.  
  
"Well, we're glad you enjoyed it."  
  
An elderly Ed Norton turned to his wife. "Yeah, Alice, you really did good when you got us  
book on a flight here instead of to Hawaii like you tried. You're the greatest!" He gave her a big  
hug.  
  
"All right, everyone, keep it quiet while the host is talking. Now, we've had some things  
which have led to us doing everything we could and then some, but it's all been for a very  
worthwhile cause, the Hazzard County Orphans' Fund. And now, the moment you've been  
waiting for, allow me to introduce...ahem." She peeked backstage, then looked back at the  
audience with a puzzled demeanor. "I didn't think of this, I want you to know right now, so  
don't go and blame me. It was the bear's idea. Here is a whole lot of people, with the rhyming  
song!" She left as the curtains went up.  
  
Fozzie, Gonzo, and Robin all sang "Let's all sing the rhyming song, the rhyming song, the  
rhyming song. Let's make words that rhyme together. The rhyming song!"  
  
"Sunday, Monday, Happy Days," began the Fonz, as everyone sang "the rhyming song, the  
rhyming song," the tune's chorus.  
  
Arnold Ziffle was next, squealing "squeal squeal squeal oink oink!"  
  
"The rhyming song," proclaimed Robin.  
  
"He said Green Acres is the place for me," spoke Gonzo, with everyone singing the chorus.  
  
Jed Clampett shouted "with a great big tub of a-bubbling crude," followed by "the rhyming  
song."  
  
Everyone sang "let's all sing the rhyming song, the rhyming song, the rhyming song."  
  
"Those Hillbillies just cannot rhyme," protested Les Nessman.  
  
"The rhyming song, the rhyming song!"  
  
Lou Grant turned to Ted Baxter and said "but it's better than you who can't pronounce,"  
followed by singing the chorus.  
  
Von Dreck came out on stage, followed by Inspector Columbo, who informed him "you're  
under arrest for murder one."  
  
"The rhyming song, the rhyming song," sang Fozzie and Gonzo. When Matlock protested  
Columbo wasn't trying to make a rhyme, everyone sang "the rhyming song" quite loudly.  
  
"Welcome back," sang Freddie Boom-Boom Washington, "to that same old place that you  
laughed about," after which the chorus was again sung.  
  
Catching on to the zaniness, Sam Malone sang "where everybody knows your name," then  
joined as the group sang "the rhyming song!"  
  
"You know you haven't made one rhyme yet," chided Miss Piggy, cringing when she heard  
everyone sing "the rhyming song, the rhyming song."  
  
Gilligan popped on stage and sang "and if not for the courage of the fearless crew the Minnow  
will be lost." "The rhyming song" was sung wile he tried to repeat "the minnow will be lost."  
  
Statler observed "they're combining words and make no sense." After the group sang the  
chorus, Waldorf added "but do we ever expect them to?" "The rhyming song," everyone sang.   
They then sang the words Fozzie, Gonzo, and Robin had at the beginning.  
  
"Rey re just rolved a rystery," sang Scooby Doo. Others sang the chorus before Penny  
proclaimed "and my Uncle Gadget didn't mess things up!"  
  
"The rhyming song!"  
  
"It's amazing how many shows' songs have no words," spoke private investigator Magnum  
really fast, before the chorus came. The next lines came from Fozzie. "So we might just make it  
after all," followed by "the rhyming song!"  
  
Kermit, Scooter, and Rowlf, along with other Muppets who'd been looking for the missing  
ones, came back onstage now, and Kermit hugged Robin and sang "I'm so glad we're back  
together again!' After the chorus, Rowlf said "and that we caught the bad guys," before the final  
words to that verse.  
  
"This is not the rhyming song," noted Scooter as they all sang "the rhyming song, the rhyming  
song."  
  
"No, but it's a pretty good close," admitted Kermit before singing "the rhyming song."  
  
"It looks like Fozzie redeemed himself," sang the Olsen twins before Robin sang "and put a  
neat ending on our show," and all sang "the rhyming song."  
  
"This show has been so much fun," sang Cliff Huxtable, with the others singing "the rhyming  
song, the rhyming song!"  
  
"Can't wait to have another one," sang Boss Hogg as he chomped on lots of food in the back  
of the crowd.  
  
The group all sang the words "the rhyming song," and the curtain fell down. Boss Hogg  
quickly tore through the curtain, though, and shouted "hey, wait a minute, this song isn't over yet,  
we finally made a rhyme!"  
  
(Sorry, Boss, you'll just have to settle for having done a good deed by hosting em. Of  
course, in this life, all good things must come to an end, and that was true of the benefit Muppet  
Show, too.)  
  
Kermit appeared in front of the stage, which normally would have a curtain in front of it.   
However, there had been so many special guests, they couldn't all appear in front of the stage.   
So, the curtain was open, and all the guest stars and contest winners marched into rows on the  
stage for a group picture as Kermit spoke to the audience. "Well, everyone , I hope you've  
enjoyed the Muppet Show, with all sorts of special guests. We want to thank everyone, and we  
don't want to forget anyone, so here you see all of them, let's give them all a round of applause.   
Yaaaay!"  
  
"Hey, Kermit," Sam Malone wondered, "what was your idea for the closing number?"  
  
"I was going to jumble all sorts of TV theme songs into one. As it turned out, Fozzie came up  
with an idea that was probably just as good, and pretty close to mine at times."  
  
Miss Piggy walked up to him as Gonzo approached from the other end and tapped him on the  
shoulder. "Aren't you going to thank me for doing such a good job in your place, hmmm?"  
  
Kermit was quite stunned. How, he wondered. "Oh, yeah, thanks." He turned to Gonzo.   
"What?"  
  
"Well, you know that chain of command? I was holding it upside down," he admitted.   
"Piggy's actually near the bottom if anything happens to you or Scooter."  
  
"What," shouted Miss Piggy.  
  
Trying desperately to calm things, Kermit said "uh...gee, well, we'll fix that right away. From  
now on, you'll be third in line."  
  
Knowing she had the upper hand, she put her nose in Kermit's face and said "what's wrong  
with second" Scooter didn't want to mention he'd always been second after Fozzie's fiasco. He  
figured Piggy would make him a knuckle sandwich.  
  
Robin intervened to help, though, knowing Kermit didn't want Miss Piggy 2nd. "I'll be  
second, Uncle Kermit."  
  
Piggy relented - she could always offer the still growing young frog lots of advice, which he  
would probably seek. "Oh, I can live with that."  
  
"Anyway, we're glad you enjoyed this zaniest Muppet Show possible. And thank you for your  
support of the local orphans, who got such a great benefit out of everyone here tonight. See y'all  
next week on The Muppet Show.'"  
  
(And that, folks, is how Hazzard County's Muppet Show went. One pretty weird time, even  
for Hazzard County.)  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The following shows, not necessarily in order, were used. Sorry if I didn't get to your  
favorite. Maybe you can do one.  
  
1. The Muppet Show  
2. Dukes of Hazzard  
3.Happy Days  
4. Cosby Show  
5. Cheers  
6. Mister Ed   
7. Columbo  
8. Ironsides  
9. Perry Mason  
10. Barney Miller  
11. Matlock  
12. M*A*S*H  
13. Hogan's Heroes  
14. Gilligan's Island  
15. Inspector Gadget  
16. Andy Griffith Show  
17. Mary Tyler Moore Show  
18. Emergency!  
19. All in the Family  
20. Full House  
21. Dragnet  
22. WKRP in Cincinnati  
23. Punkey Brewster  
24. Webster  
25. The Facts of Life  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
26. Star Trek: TNG  
27. Star Trek: DS9  
28. Star Trek: Voyager  
29. Star Trek: TOS  
30. Home Improvement  
31. Green Acres  
32. Lost in Space  
33. Touched By An Angel  
34. Beverley Hillbillies  
35. Welcome Back, Kotter  
36. What's Happening  
37.Good Times  
38.The Brady Bunch  
39. Car 54, Where Are You  
40. Leave it to Beaver  
41. I Love Lucy  
42. Scooby Doo  
43. Magnum P.I.  
44. The Love Boat  
45. The Jeffersons  
46. Murder, She Wrote  
47. Alice  
48. The A-Team  
49. Laverne and Shirley  
50. The Honeymooners 


End file.
